what is life?

I feel that my life it's not really mine, and never was. That I'm just a spectator that sits alone and watches other live and laugh.
Despite the fact that I have 20 years old, I feel that I haven't lived a day.
How is that possible?
Why can't I just get up in the morning with a smile on my face and just detach myself from the shit I have been doing for so long? Shit that makes me miserable.

Every time i think of something that would make me really happy, I find reasons to just give up. Like when I had to choose where to go to college. When I wanted so much to go to Bucharest, but instead I remained in my hometown, Brasov. It was easier to stay here, I didn't want to leave my grandma alone. I convinced myself that I'll keep in touch with my high school friends. "Friends" that only wanted something from me, I later realized. I haven't spoken to them in 2 years now. So yeah, that was a strong reason to give up my dream.

I just want to change and move on, evolve into a better and happy person. Will I ever be able to do that??