Why words?

Why were words invented? So that we could express our feelings more easily? Or was it so that we wouldn't stare at each other like idiots?
I think words were invented because our ancestors weren't very talented at drawings. I mean have you seen them?

What is that? A child? A bird? A dog? Superman?
And who had time to draw? When the mammoths were coming did one of them gestured "Hey, come quickly in the cave to draw you what's coming."?

"Oh, damn. You got killed by the mammoth before you saw my drawing. You suck."

I'm really curious about the gestures they used before they learned to speak. I bet they were funny. How did they swear? Or did they just kill each other if they were pissed? "Hey, get the hell out of my cave, you son of a bitch" is equal with getting a rock from the ground, and, bang! hit him in the head. "Die bitch, die!".



Words are now useful to hide our feelings. Not to express them. And we still use rocks when we are really pissed. Or guns. Or knifes. Not me. I'm not using that stuff. Yet. But I do use words as shields. To hide my real feelings. Sometimes. Not always. But everybody does that. Right?


Words are worthless nowadays.

I do not own the pictures. I only edited a little.

My life is great. No, it isn't. But I think that it will be. I hope that it will be. Don't you?
I can't say that I'm not happy. I have my moments. Sometimes, just seconds of happiness. Sometimes hours, days.
Is there anyone that is happy all the time? Or that has a whole life full of true laughs? A person that doesn't take drugs, that is.

Every day I try to wake up smiling. Sometimes, it works. Other times I have a smile that says: "I hate smiling!!".

Yes, every smile of mine has a meaning.

When I meet a person that looks nice, I have the "Would you like to be my next BFF?" smile. I can't describe it. It looks dumb and desperate, I think. There you go, I described it.

When I meet a person that thinks is better than me, I usually don't smile. But if I, by mistake, do, I take it back really fast. And try to change it in a cough. It doesn't work. Ever. But I still try.

I will continue some other time. I'm tired now.
(I wish you at least three happy smiles tomorrow)

Choises

If I were to choose between all seasons, I'd definitely choose spring. It's the most beautiful time of the year; when the flowers blossom, when everything that was dead comes to life again. What more can you wish for? Oh, I would wish that all bees die.

My favorite flowers are not roses; or orchids; or tulips; or... you've got the point. My favorite flower grows in a tree.



I don't know what my favorite color is. Sometimes is green, sometime turquoise. Today is purple. And blue. And gray. Damn, I can't decide.

If you had asked me a year ago what is my favorite type of music, I would have screamed "hip-hop" with so much excitement that you would have said that I'm crazy. Today? I'd say pop. Or no, blues. No, no, jazz. See? I have no idea.


What is the one book that makes me wanna forget my life? Every single one I read. If I don't like the first 30 pages, I won't read it. Ok, sometimes 10 pages; or the first. Whatever.
Until college, I didn't like to read. Some people say that if you read, you're a nerd, a geek, that you have no life. Well, I don't care. I am Lena and I like reading. I love to live the lives of some fictional or non-fictional characters. I like that I can be someone else, and see what other people saw in their minds. And I hate that I forget all the names of the characters from every single book. Why is that? Cause I kind of remember the name of every insignificant human I meet.

My blessing is being a Libra.
My curse, being a Libra.

What to choose?
What I like?

Ask me tomorrow. It will be a different answer.

addict

I am a super text twist addict. I play it every day, in every moment that I can.
I even play it in my dreams. And that really sucks.
There are people that dream the numbers from the lottery, but no, I have to dream letters and form words with them.
My brain is so exhausted when I wake up that I have to play text twist again.
The memories from when I was a child flash back to me now. A few years back, when my sister received a PlayStation, I became a Tetris addict. I started dreaming Tetris, and when I woke up I played it and got my ass kicked by my sister. Yeah, she was more addicted than me to that game.

I'll leave you now to play some more Super Text Twist.

P.S.: Why don't these guys from Text Twist don't let me form words like whore and shit? Talk about culture.

I can write my life in a thousand ways.
I can sing my mind in all three voices.
I can sign my name on a million lives.


How am I different from you?
My green-blue eyes are the same as the little girl's from the corner that spends her childhood asking for money.
My nose is exactly the same as the next girl's.
My mouth, two lips that scream my emotions like yours do.
My long brown hair, that reached my waist.

What makes us "one of a kind"?

We all feel happiness, sadness. We all want to live, and in the same time wish for the end of this life and the beginning of the next one.

We all love to love, love to hate, hate to love, hate to hate.

We all cry, on the outside or the inside. It doesn't matter how.

We all want to be surrounded by people, and in the same time we want to be alone.

We all want to share our thoughts, and sometimes to keep them hidden from other minds.

We all like music, in all its forms.

We all love to watch the sky, in the day or in the night.

We all love the sun on our skins for a second or one too much.

We love beauty, we want to reach it with all costs. But we don't say that. We are not shallow. No.

I love and hate everything that is near me. For a second or more.

How am I different from you?

TV

Today I shot my first TV commercial.Yeah!!!

Next week I will be on local television for approximately 15 frames (1second=24 frames), (in the fucking background) as a secretary. Hollywood, here I come!

I feel that this is a great start for becoming a real actress. NOT

But I felt good acting (typing something). Everybody said that I am the next Angelina Jolie.

Can you imagine? I already see myself with 12 kids from countries all over the world.

I think I should start adopting now. So that I will be a young mother (fucker).

You think you look like Brad Pitt? Come marry me. Yes, yes, this is a live proposal.

I have a lot in common with Angie. I have two eyes, a nose, and I swear I'm not fucking with you, a mouth. My lips are the same color as Angelina's. Red. OK, sometimes they are blue, when I'm freezing, but that happens rarely. Oh, and just twice in my life my lips were almost white. Just before I passed out. But worry not, I bet that it won't happen again. At least not when I'm naked(I hope it won't happen again).

I actually made coffee for the whole team. Not on camera, of course. Cause you don't get to do a lot in less then a second. You could probably fart. But the camera can't catch that. And I'm not Napoleon to do 5 stuff in the same time. And I'm not as little as Napoleon. Or dead.

So, yeah, today was the best day of my life.

Today I've died

Today I've died.
I've let myself fall and lay on the ground for the last time.
I say goodbye to the girl that brakes eye contact first,
The girl that is too shy to live.
I've killed the numbness from my body,
And I've drugged my past.
It no longer keeps me drained
In memory lane.
I've slaughtered my stupidity and my naivety.
I've washed the scars from my heart
And the tears from my cheeks.
The tremor of my voice is gone.
Today I've died,
Tomorrow a new ME will resurrect.
I say goodbye for ever to that girl.
I never want to see you again, to feel what you felt,
The sadness and the guilt that is buried in your soul.
You are from today on, gone.
You are weak.
Now let me born again.
Let me be strong.

joking around

I love jokes. Yeah, yeah, who doesn't.
The thing is that everybody in my family loves them, and knows how to tell them. I don't. I start a joke and then I forget what I was saying, or I forget the funny thing in the joke. I use the wrong intonation or I mix three jokes in one by mistake. I know that I'm not special(I don't mean retarded, more in a "one of a kind" kind of way) that are people that know how to tell jokes and people who don't. But being the only one in my family that doesn't know how to tell them(OK, except my grandma), I feel kind of special (in the retarded kind of way).

All my friends know how to tell jokes. That's why they are my friends. Ok, that's not the only reason, but it's an important one. Cause they complete me. They don't know math, but know how to tell jokes, I know math, I don't know how to tell jokes. See? This goes both ways.

So when I'm in a situation when my mind can't find a shitty subject to talk about, I ask: Does anybody knows a new joke? So there you go. A new subject. And it's funny too.But don't get me wrong, I love silence, but not with people that usually are not silent.

I get past the thing where I can't tell jokes, and go straight to the "writing them" stuff. I know they won't be as funny, but hey, who gives a shit?

This was my favorite from when I was little (Ok, I'm gonna translate it from Romanian so I think that when I'm done with it, it will be kind of "WTF?").
OK, here I go. I'm kind of nervous. Ok shut the f up and tell the joke already.

A sweet sweet bunny goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Hello, do you have any cocaine?"
The pharmacist looks around and then whispers: "No, little bunny. This is a pharmacy.We don't sell cocaine." The bunny nods, and walks away.
The next day he comes again and asks the same question. The response is the same.
After a whole month in which the sweet bunny goes and asks the pharmacist if they sell cocaine, the pharmacist gives up and buys some for the bunny. And so, the next day when the (Fuck, it's a long one. It was easier to tell it) bunny asks, the pharmacist says: "Yeah, we have cocaine." The bunny grins and starts to yell "Call the police, they sell cocaine!!"

Not as funny as you expected, right?

I give up telling and writing them.

THE END of jokes.

could you please stop laughing? cause you're making me cry

Today I went for the first time at my ANTR class. I have no idea what that means. I wasn't really paying attention to what my teacher was saying, because I was studying her. It was just so strange. I never met a person that laughs so much(I laugh a lot, but not when I'm at work). And so damn ugly (if you could laugh ugly;can you?). One second she was talking, the next one she was laughing for no apparent reason, and it was like she had an asthma seizure. It was funny for a while, but damn, just stop!! I can't take it anymore. I don't know if I should get up and slap you or give you a paper bag so that you can breath and relax.

After 10 minutes I kind of got used to her crazy laugh, and got myself prepared to listen for what she had to say. Big mistake. Don't ever do that! She knows shit. She barely speaks English. And that sucks. Because I came to this college only because I had all the classes in English and not in Romanian. And guess what? I know more English than my teachers!

Songs on repeat: James Morrison- Wonderful World (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WV84qaiJdpc)
Jason Mraz-The beauty in ugly (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uF1mGXCiAb8)

I hope tomorrow won't be a today.

what is life?

I feel that my life it's not really mine, and never was. That I'm just a spectator that sits alone and watches other live and laugh.
Despite the fact that I have 20 years old, I feel that I haven't lived a day.
How is that possible?
Why can't I just get up in the morning with a smile on my face and just detach myself from the shit I have been doing for so long? Shit that makes me miserable.

Every time i think of something that would make me really happy, I find reasons to just give up. Like when I had to choose where to go to college. When I wanted so much to go to Bucharest, but instead I remained in my hometown, Brasov. It was easier to stay here, I didn't want to leave my grandma alone. I convinced myself that I'll keep in touch with my high school friends. "Friends" that only wanted something from me, I later realized. I haven't spoken to them in 2 years now. So yeah, that was a strong reason to give up my dream.

I just want to change and move on, evolve into a better and happy person. Will I ever be able to do that??

i miss...

I MISS being a child with no worries what so ever.

... laughing my ass off when someone showed me the finger (doesn't matter which one).

... going outside and playing with my friends from 8 a.m till 8 p.m.

... listening for music in the kitchen and drawing something really ugly (and not on purpose).

... hearing my grandmother's stories from when she was a child, while me and my sister stay with our hands in a black bowl filled with water and salt (weird one, huh?)

... running toward the forest wallpaper that we had in our living room, thinking that if we try hard and run fast we can go into that forest (after five years and a thousand bruises we kind of stopped trying).

... spinning like crazy until i fall into my butt and puke all over the place.

... playing hide and seek with my sister and hiding in the same spot every time.

... the black and white TV that i had in my room (we couldn't afford a color TV). It didn't really work, but i was proud that it was in my room and not in my sister's. silly, huh?

... telling my sister that i got a low grade, and then the hole blackmailing me thing into massaging her 15 minutes a day every day for a week. (she would have wanted to blackmail me for a year if she could, but i usually got pissed off after one week and confessed the "sin" to my mother).

i miss a lot of things .

i miss them but i wouldn't want them now. i wouldn't want to relive them. because in that time, i kind of hated them all. stupid, yes.

What doesn't kill you, you know...

I changed a lot in the past 5 and a half years. Since my mother kicked me and my sister out of the house. Since when I live with my grandmother.

I don't even remember that day so good. It's all foggy. All I know is that we were sleeping and all of a sudden, my mother wakes us up and tells us to get up and leave. Just like that.
It wasn't like we didn't want to leave, because God, we wanted so much to get out from that environment. But we didn't expect it to be so sudden. And in the middle of the night.
I remember that we called our father to come pick us out. I didn't pack anything,cause I thought that the next day she will come after us. She didn't come...

My grandmother took her place. And, wow, what a difference. But still...

I forgave her 4 years ago for just leaving us. And I got used to not having a real mother. But I still miss her sometimes. And I know that it was the greatest thing that happened in my life, and I am grateful, don't get me wrong, but I sometimes wonder. What if?

And I do have a stepmother, but it's not the same. Even my awesome grandma couldn't take her place entirely.

So yeah, that changed me a lot. It made me stronger.

And I'll always have my sister to talk to. She's my best friend even though she pisses me off sometimes :)) Hey, but I piss her off, too. So we're even.